I just now, at 1:44 am, remembered that I used to write on a blog from time to time. I looked it up and noticed that the last time I wrote was a year and a half ago. That seems a little crazy since I remember writing that post, and I remember when I started this blog. So much has changed. So much has happened that I would never have thought I would have been able to face - but I have come out alive. At least for now the danger is over, the fire quenched. At least for right now life is good. I get to enjoy the energy and capability and freedom to do things normal 19-year-olds get to do. Without being cooped up in a hospital room, drugged up to the nines, and watched like a hawk. Without waking up every morning wondering when I am going to have the courage and the chance to finally end it all. Without longing for nothing but death. My heart has different yearnings now - yearnings for life, love, fun, fitness, accomplishments, education, work satisfaction, playing music, and spending as much of this precious I-love-life time as I can with the people I love. I do not know how long it will last, and that is what scares me. I tend to dream about the things I fear the most - that is where my subconscious brain is inclined to travel. Lately my dreams are haunted by visions of tears, unspeakable inner agony, hospital rooms, train tracks, and the hopeless screams of the people who love me when they find out I am finally dead. Although I do not desire it now, I fear that this sickness is so deeply ingrained in me that nothing will be able to hold it back forever. At some point it will break the temporary shackles of laughter, love and freedom. And it will come back to suck the life out of me, worse than before. Yes, I fear rape because I know how it feels. But lately there has been less rape in my dreams and more of this monster that I hate so much. Because now there is an even greater fear because I also know how it feels when this monster chokes the life and breath out of me - and it's not going away. My mental illness is my greatest enemy, my greatest fear and my greatest threat to my happiness, success, and ultimately my very life itself.
Perhaps there really is no hope. Perhaps the hope is all just an illusion. Perhaps, soon, the smoke will pass and I will be where I started - on death's door. And this time perhaps it will come back with a force and a passion that my weak being cannot resist. Perhaps the next time will really be the end. Who can tell?
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
The Greatest Fear
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
672,768,000 Breaths
Do you ever notice your breaths? All your life you're exhaling and inhaling, often mindlessly. It's just something we do, something we're created to do, something we do involuntarily to stay alive. It's the heartbeat of our fragile physical lifespan. And yet, seldom do we ever take a moment to think of air, breath, oxygen...Where it comes from and where it all ends.
The average respiration rate for a person at rest is approximately 16 breaths per minute.
That means on average, we breathe about 960 breaths per hour.
23,040 breaths a day.
8,409,600 breaths a year.
If you live to the age of 80, you will take 672,768,000 breaths in your lifetime.
Except that figure is actually way higher because it does not take into account the increased respiration rate during exercise, or the higher respiration rate of a child.
And did you ever stop to think that each one of those over 700 million breaths is a gift? A huge important gift that gives you life every time it's received into your lungs.
Who would love you enough to give you more than 700 million gifts? Who would be that generous? Certainly anyone but the allpowerful Creator of the universe. Why would he care about someone so small and seemingly insignificant as you? Why would he even want to give your broken, selfish, hurt, and dying body life time and time again?
But yet he has. Every day He chooses to make the sun rise, to continue to give you the breaths you need to fill your lungs with life-giving oxygen. Every day He gives you the strength in your muscles and bones to go about your daily routine. Every day He keeps your body and every intricate part interconnected to maintain your daily functions. And although we barely ever think about it...without God, you wouldn't ever take another breath. Your life is in His hands and His alone. Everything that has happened to you, is happening to you now, or will happen to you in the future, He sees. He knows everything you've done, even the secrets in the darkest corners of your heart that you're too ashamed to let anyone see. He knows. He sees the way you've treated people, the way you've turned your back on Him time and time again, the way you've lived your life so often in disregard for Him. But yet He never turns His back and stops the lifeflow. No matter what you say, how many times you take his name in vain, gossip, slander, or speak mean words, he continues to give you the breath to say whatever you choose to say. Don't waste that infinite immeasurable gift. Don't take it for granted. Use each breath for something of worth...Something of value...Something that will last.
The average respiration rate for a person at rest is approximately 16 breaths per minute.
That means on average, we breathe about 960 breaths per hour.
23,040 breaths a day.
8,409,600 breaths a year.
If you live to the age of 80, you will take 672,768,000 breaths in your lifetime.
Except that figure is actually way higher because it does not take into account the increased respiration rate during exercise, or the higher respiration rate of a child.
And did you ever stop to think that each one of those over 700 million breaths is a gift? A huge important gift that gives you life every time it's received into your lungs.
Who would love you enough to give you more than 700 million gifts? Who would be that generous? Certainly anyone but the allpowerful Creator of the universe. Why would he care about someone so small and seemingly insignificant as you? Why would he even want to give your broken, selfish, hurt, and dying body life time and time again?
But yet he has. Every day He chooses to make the sun rise, to continue to give you the breaths you need to fill your lungs with life-giving oxygen. Every day He gives you the strength in your muscles and bones to go about your daily routine. Every day He keeps your body and every intricate part interconnected to maintain your daily functions. And although we barely ever think about it...without God, you wouldn't ever take another breath. Your life is in His hands and His alone. Everything that has happened to you, is happening to you now, or will happen to you in the future, He sees. He knows everything you've done, even the secrets in the darkest corners of your heart that you're too ashamed to let anyone see. He knows. He sees the way you've treated people, the way you've turned your back on Him time and time again, the way you've lived your life so often in disregard for Him. But yet He never turns His back and stops the lifeflow. No matter what you say, how many times you take his name in vain, gossip, slander, or speak mean words, he continues to give you the breath to say whatever you choose to say. Don't waste that infinite immeasurable gift. Don't take it for granted. Use each breath for something of worth...Something of value...Something that will last.
Run
Running. Something I'm very inclined towards and very good at. Speaking figuratively, of course, not literally.
Why? Because it's easier. It's a natural response, and takes much less
thought, effort, sweat and tears than the other alternative does. After
all, we are engineered to respond to threatening or dangerous things or
situations with either fight or flight. The fight-or-flight response is a sequence of internal processes that
prepares us for either struggle or escape. It is
triggered when we interpret a situation as threatening.
Why is running easier than facing what threatens or scares us? I believe it's because when we run, we can focus all our internal thought processing towards the act of fleeing. Instead of thinking about the problem, we can instead focus on keeping as busy as possible giving us other things to think about and do at all times. We can try to use "happy" things or people or situations or places to give us temporary happiness and help us temporarily forget about the problem or threatening thing. But it's not permanent. And sooner or later, it will come back to haunt you....Because you cannot run forever. You just can't. It's not possible.
Of course, in certain situations the best thing to do is run. 2 Timothy 2:22 clearly emphasizes this point as it commands that we should "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." When we are tempted to sin or to do something that we know is harmful to us or others, we need to run full speed away without looking back. 1 Timothy 6:11 says "But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness."
When, then, is it not the right response to flee? Well, maybe when you're struggling with situations in life that you just can't conquer on your own. So many people, myself very much included, would rather pretend everything's going alright and try their best to ignore the real problem even in their own minds. But somehow at some time that must end, and you must admit to yourself if to no one else that you are absolutely messed up and something must be done. You have to deal with things sooner or later. You can't turn your back forever. No amount of busyness, no number of friends, family or distractions can keep you from the real problems forever. And the sooner you can deal with things, work through them and put them behind you, the sooner you can go on with life and the fuller you can live your life when that has been done.
Months ago I took a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class once just to try it and see how it compared to the very similar martial art of Judo. In the middle of a fight after I escaped from a pin, I turned my back for a minute just to catch my breath. The instructor immediately yelled at me that "In BJJ, you never turn your back. For in turning your back to your enemy you admit defeat." This is a little different of an idea from how Judo works. In Judo, even in tournament, when the match has been temporarily halted due to a standstill or a partial score or a penalty, you usually have about 5-10 seconds to get up, adjust your uniform, catch your breath, maybe look over at your coach for a few seconds. The ref does not call for the match to continue until both contestants are standing on their respective sides of the mat with their hands up. In watching many matches I've noticed that almost always during one of these brief pauses, the opponent who is down on the scoreboard takes the longest to get back into the "ready" position and stalls as long as is possible without incurring a penalty. I think this is because they feel that their opponent is overpowering them and they have given up a little hope. They know that at some point they have to continue fighting, but they're reluctant because of a small previous defeat.
In life, this compares to when problems and low points and circumstances have you down. When you get a chance to get up, sometimes it takes a while to get back that courage to continue fighting - because you have started to admit defeat. But after time of not fleeing but instead fighting with everything you've got, it will pay off. You'll be rewarded. When you resist evil, the devil will HAVE to flee from you. And you will be able to stand victorious on the battefield of life - nevermore to flee.
Why is running easier than facing what threatens or scares us? I believe it's because when we run, we can focus all our internal thought processing towards the act of fleeing. Instead of thinking about the problem, we can instead focus on keeping as busy as possible giving us other things to think about and do at all times. We can try to use "happy" things or people or situations or places to give us temporary happiness and help us temporarily forget about the problem or threatening thing. But it's not permanent. And sooner or later, it will come back to haunt you....Because you cannot run forever. You just can't. It's not possible.
Of course, in certain situations the best thing to do is run. 2 Timothy 2:22 clearly emphasizes this point as it commands that we should "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." When we are tempted to sin or to do something that we know is harmful to us or others, we need to run full speed away without looking back. 1 Timothy 6:11 says "But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness."
Months ago I took a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class once just to try it and see how it compared to the very similar martial art of Judo. In the middle of a fight after I escaped from a pin, I turned my back for a minute just to catch my breath. The instructor immediately yelled at me that "In BJJ, you never turn your back. For in turning your back to your enemy you admit defeat." This is a little different of an idea from how Judo works. In Judo, even in tournament, when the match has been temporarily halted due to a standstill or a partial score or a penalty, you usually have about 5-10 seconds to get up, adjust your uniform, catch your breath, maybe look over at your coach for a few seconds. The ref does not call for the match to continue until both contestants are standing on their respective sides of the mat with their hands up. In watching many matches I've noticed that almost always during one of these brief pauses, the opponent who is down on the scoreboard takes the longest to get back into the "ready" position and stalls as long as is possible without incurring a penalty. I think this is because they feel that their opponent is overpowering them and they have given up a little hope. They know that at some point they have to continue fighting, but they're reluctant because of a small previous defeat.
In life, this compares to when problems and low points and circumstances have you down. When you get a chance to get up, sometimes it takes a while to get back that courage to continue fighting - because you have started to admit defeat. But after time of not fleeing but instead fighting with everything you've got, it will pay off. You'll be rewarded. When you resist evil, the devil will HAVE to flee from you. And you will be able to stand victorious on the battefield of life - nevermore to flee.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Stained Glass Masquerade
Something that bothers me sometimes is the fact that people in "Christian" circles like to pretend that being Christian equals being perfect. It's not true and I know for a fact that it discourages Christians as well as non Christians who therefore deduct that they could never possibly be "good enough." The point is, there is no possibility of being good enough. That's why we even need Christ in the first place. If we are supposed to be united in Christianity - then it is because we all have a common problem - and Jesus is the solution to that problem. So....why are we hiding them and pretending they don't exist?
Anyways, this song by Casting Crowns will vocalize my thoughts on this point much more eloquently...here are, the lyrics to "Stained Glass Masquerade."
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
Anyways, this song by Casting Crowns will vocalize my thoughts on this point much more eloquently...here are, the lyrics to "Stained Glass Masquerade."
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
Monday, October 24, 2011
Forgive and Release....Freedom!
So this last week of DTS was our 4th week of DTS, but our 3rd week of lecture - because the first week was orientation week. I know I'm not just speaking for myself when I say that last week was a tough week but also a super amazing week. Like I wrote in my last blog post, our speaker was Ezra Griffiths, the director of YWAM Orlando. After learning about the nature and character of God for a few days, the last 2 days were spent talking about our response to it - stuff about forgiveness, release, restoration, and reconciliation. We talked about God's ways of repentance and also about hurts or wounds in our past that we may be holding onto. About how holding grudges or unforgiveness in our heart, even without consciously thinking about it, destroys us. One quote that stood out to me about forgiveness when Ezra was teaching about it in class was "Forgiveness doesn't change your past; it only unlocks your future." Holding onto old hurts in your life, whether justified or not, keeps you from living your life to the fullest in your identity in Christ. Ezra said "We have the strength in Christ to break the bonds of our past - sometimes we just don't think we have the strength, and we don't choose to be free from it. Believing lies about yourself will hinder you in your walk with Christ." He taught about how when we hear negative things about ourselves, we start living out that identity and letting it become who we are. He talked about how we can break free by that by replacing the lies in our lives with the truth of who God says we are, etc.
"God, our FATHER, desires to restore you so that your past hurts and wounds no longer negatively affect your present and future! The devil wants us to dwell on our past and the things that have been done to us or the things we have done (bad choices etc). He wants us to stay in bondage to our past and therefore believe there is no future for us - that we are worthless. God's plan - RESTORATION. Restoration means to make you brand new. 2 Corinthians 5:17. If you're in Christ, you're a new creation!"
So yeah, a lot of really relevant stuff in there about how to become free from your past. On Friday when we finished class we were supposed to split up into our small groups and go through this list Ezra gave us. For every name on the list (e.g. Father, mother, myself, friend, romantic partner, etc) we were supposed to ask God if there was anything that we were holding against that person in our hearts, and then speak it aloud and release that person to God and pray a blessing over them. It was supposed to go through the process of forgiveness - and by releasing and blessing the people invidually we would break off the chains that were destroying us by our unforgiveness. I think that as a DTS group it was a really hard day but also extremely freeing. Not everyone had huge things to forgive - sometimes it could be as basic as releasing a friend who talks about you in a negative way even when joking. The point was just to release people in your heart - anyone that you were in any way holding a grudge against. But there were some people who really experienced a breakthrough that day - for example, releasing someone who had done something horrible 7 years ago and had never been forgiven. For them, it was a day of real release and being done with the destruction of unforgiveness - in some cases, calling people or writing letters to make restitution for stuff that had happened years ago or even all their life! It was amazing to see people so happy by just the seemingly simple act of forgiving the people who had ever hurt them.
For me, I just couldn't really think of anything I needed to forgive anyone for. While everyone was in their small groups going through this forgiveness process, at one point I went to McD's for lunch with Ezra. I was telling him a bit about the way I felt that there was really nobody I needed to forgive for anything, and he said "I feel like the hardest person for you to release in your heart and forgive is yourself." We kept talking for awhile, but i didn't really process that until later. I realized that for me, that was very true. The person that I hate the most is actually myself. I've messed up my life and made bad decisions, and I hate myself for it. But I have kinda realized especially in class last week that self-hatred and telling yourself that God can't forgive you and can't use you is a huge trick that the devil uses to keep you stuck in a rut and keep you from fulfilling God's purpose for your life completely. So bit by bit, I'll work on forgiving myself - and also people in my life who have hurt me in the past. I just need to break the chains off my life and focus my eyes on God - so I can live my life in the complete fullness of who he made me to be!
After the forgiveness session got done on Friday, Jordan and Josh got baptized by Mark in the ocean! It was an amazing way to end the day and the week of class. Pretty much everyone on the base walked down to the ocean where both Jordan and Josh told everyone why they wanted to be baptized. We all watched as the two of them walked out into the deeper water with Mark and Wilson and were baptized right there in the Atlantic Ocean! Then at the last moment, Wilson decided to be baptized too. It was an awesome declaration of a new giving over of their lives to God and the beginning of a new start.
The weekend was a pretty normal one here at the base. On Sunday I went with Mark and a few other students to this megachurch in Jacksonville (30,000 members). It was a Baptist church and had a HUGE orchestra and a massive choir! It was a good service. Then on Sunday night we all went to Mark and Janet's house for a cookout, which was fun.
This week starting today we have Sean Yost as a speaker, and he's teaching on the topic of relationships. We've only had one day of class so far, but I really like him as a speaker too! So far he's been talking about our relationship with God and how it's a priority. Also about love, what it means, and how it's the central part of a relationship. Some good stuff from class today..."God wants us to learn to know Him and love Him - He wants our relationship with Him to be the basis of every relationship we have with each other."
"Most of the problems in the world are problems of relationship. Broken relationships - governments, spouses, God, children, friends, etc. So - we need to make having right relationships a priority! James 3:16, 4:1-3. Matthew 22:34-40. ALL = everything. Not just some! Love with everything you have in you. Love God, Love People!! The whole Bible is broken down into relationships. What relationships in your life do you need to re-align?"
"We live in a culture where we elevate self-promotion. That's not what Jesus' life was about and it's not what we're called to be. The law seeks limits, but love seeks outlets. Living by the law - we want to do the least possible amount we can get away with. Living by love - we want to do the most we can! We seek outlets to pour out love on the people we are serving."
So yeah, that's this week! This afternoon we have an outreach group meeting - we're starting to learn about Muslims and what they believe versus what we believe, about the culture and how to effectively witness in an Islam nation. I'm getting pretty excited about spending a few months in the Middle East! Also I can't believe that we're already a third of the way through the lecture phase....it doesn't seem nearly that long!
More song lyrics....:) This is getting to be a tradition. But there's this really amazing song that was played in worship a few days ago which just has the most beautiful lyrics! It's called "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
"God, our FATHER, desires to restore you so that your past hurts and wounds no longer negatively affect your present and future! The devil wants us to dwell on our past and the things that have been done to us or the things we have done (bad choices etc). He wants us to stay in bondage to our past and therefore believe there is no future for us - that we are worthless. God's plan - RESTORATION. Restoration means to make you brand new. 2 Corinthians 5:17. If you're in Christ, you're a new creation!"
So yeah, a lot of really relevant stuff in there about how to become free from your past. On Friday when we finished class we were supposed to split up into our small groups and go through this list Ezra gave us. For every name on the list (e.g. Father, mother, myself, friend, romantic partner, etc) we were supposed to ask God if there was anything that we were holding against that person in our hearts, and then speak it aloud and release that person to God and pray a blessing over them. It was supposed to go through the process of forgiveness - and by releasing and blessing the people invidually we would break off the chains that were destroying us by our unforgiveness. I think that as a DTS group it was a really hard day but also extremely freeing. Not everyone had huge things to forgive - sometimes it could be as basic as releasing a friend who talks about you in a negative way even when joking. The point was just to release people in your heart - anyone that you were in any way holding a grudge against. But there were some people who really experienced a breakthrough that day - for example, releasing someone who had done something horrible 7 years ago and had never been forgiven. For them, it was a day of real release and being done with the destruction of unforgiveness - in some cases, calling people or writing letters to make restitution for stuff that had happened years ago or even all their life! It was amazing to see people so happy by just the seemingly simple act of forgiving the people who had ever hurt them.
For me, I just couldn't really think of anything I needed to forgive anyone for. While everyone was in their small groups going through this forgiveness process, at one point I went to McD's for lunch with Ezra. I was telling him a bit about the way I felt that there was really nobody I needed to forgive for anything, and he said "I feel like the hardest person for you to release in your heart and forgive is yourself." We kept talking for awhile, but i didn't really process that until later. I realized that for me, that was very true. The person that I hate the most is actually myself. I've messed up my life and made bad decisions, and I hate myself for it. But I have kinda realized especially in class last week that self-hatred and telling yourself that God can't forgive you and can't use you is a huge trick that the devil uses to keep you stuck in a rut and keep you from fulfilling God's purpose for your life completely. So bit by bit, I'll work on forgiving myself - and also people in my life who have hurt me in the past. I just need to break the chains off my life and focus my eyes on God - so I can live my life in the complete fullness of who he made me to be!
After the forgiveness session got done on Friday, Jordan and Josh got baptized by Mark in the ocean! It was an amazing way to end the day and the week of class. Pretty much everyone on the base walked down to the ocean where both Jordan and Josh told everyone why they wanted to be baptized. We all watched as the two of them walked out into the deeper water with Mark and Wilson and were baptized right there in the Atlantic Ocean! Then at the last moment, Wilson decided to be baptized too. It was an awesome declaration of a new giving over of their lives to God and the beginning of a new start.
The weekend was a pretty normal one here at the base. On Sunday I went with Mark and a few other students to this megachurch in Jacksonville (30,000 members). It was a Baptist church and had a HUGE orchestra and a massive choir! It was a good service. Then on Sunday night we all went to Mark and Janet's house for a cookout, which was fun.
This week starting today we have Sean Yost as a speaker, and he's teaching on the topic of relationships. We've only had one day of class so far, but I really like him as a speaker too! So far he's been talking about our relationship with God and how it's a priority. Also about love, what it means, and how it's the central part of a relationship. Some good stuff from class today..."God wants us to learn to know Him and love Him - He wants our relationship with Him to be the basis of every relationship we have with each other."
"Most of the problems in the world are problems of relationship. Broken relationships - governments, spouses, God, children, friends, etc. So - we need to make having right relationships a priority! James 3:16, 4:1-3. Matthew 22:34-40. ALL = everything. Not just some! Love with everything you have in you. Love God, Love People!! The whole Bible is broken down into relationships. What relationships in your life do you need to re-align?"
"We live in a culture where we elevate self-promotion. That's not what Jesus' life was about and it's not what we're called to be. The law seeks limits, but love seeks outlets. Living by the law - we want to do the least possible amount we can get away with. Living by love - we want to do the most we can! We seek outlets to pour out love on the people we are serving."
So yeah, that's this week! This afternoon we have an outreach group meeting - we're starting to learn about Muslims and what they believe versus what we believe, about the culture and how to effectively witness in an Islam nation. I'm getting pretty excited about spending a few months in the Middle East! Also I can't believe that we're already a third of the way through the lecture phase....it doesn't seem nearly that long!
More song lyrics....:) This is getting to be a tradition. But there's this really amazing song that was played in worship a few days ago which just has the most beautiful lyrics! It's called "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
 |
| Jordan's Baptism! |
 |
| Josh's Baptism! |
 |
| Wilson's Baptism! |
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
You Never Let Go
We're almost halfway through our 4th week here at the base and it seems like just a few days ago that we got here. Already so much has happened individually in my personal life and also as we grow together in community, learn new things, and conquer as a group.
Trying to think what in particular has happened in the last week or so...the usual crazy life of YWAM'ers I guess. Our intense week 3 ended, for one thing. I was pretty relieved to have all the work of that week behind me. The weekend consisted of the usual random stuff we do around here - aka cafe ministry, beach life, food, football, movies, etc. The guys went hunting for snakes and alligators on Sunday at a park and ended up bringing a baby alligator back to the base. It was so cute! Justin was cuddling it all day pretty much and it bit Wilson. The video of that is pretty great. Jordan accidentally wiped his butt with poison ivy that same day, so he ended up in the hospital because he couldn't sleep on Saturday night. He was supposed to go with a group of students going to a church in Lake City on Sunday morning to do dramas and talk about missions, but he couldn't because he was at the hospital, so Judah had to go and play his part in the Redeemer drama instead. Then it was hilarious because on Monday the new speaker for some reason asked "Did God make poison ivy?" as a rhetorical question and the entire classroom burst out in hysterical laughter. He was like "...whaaaa?" It was great. But then on the way back from Lake City which is like an hour and a half drive, the van broke down, so they had to wait for people to come get them. Oh well, they did tell us at the beginning that there was one key word to YWAM: Flexibility. Haha and they were right.
So yup, that was the weekend in a nutshell. On Monday morning we were sitting in class waiting for our speaker to get there from Orlando. He walked in the door, put his backpack down and started teaching right away. It was great. His name is Ezra Griffiths and the topic he's teaching on this week is the father heart of God. He told us his story for the first part of class Monday morning and it was quite the story! Told in such a funny way that I cried laughing at some parts, but yet an extremely powerful story and awesome to see how far God's brought him.I think at least for me personally it made me much more interested to hear what he had to say, because it's not like he's some person who's been in a Christian bubble all his life. He's been through all the world had to offer and knows God's the real deal. So far the material he's been teaching on involves stuff like God's character and nature, knowing God as opposed to just knowing about God, the revelation of God's Word in relation with the revelation of God in our hearts, and then today alot about trusting God with everything you are and have. He talked about the "worries of the world" that keep us from doing what God really wants us to do. So far I really like this week's classes. It's really challenging me to a closer intimate relationship with God on a daily basis, not just a head knowledge. Also to really look at my life and identify the specific things in my life that stop me from following after God wholeheartedly.
Next weekend we're off to Cincinnati, Ohio for the "Finish" conference! Should be an awesome roadtrip and also a sweet conference. Robby Dawkins is speaking, apparently he's pretty famous. I've never heard of him though.
In small groups today my small group carved pumpkins! I've never done that before hahah and I still don't know why people enjoy doing that every October, but it was fun. I carved the Canucks logo into it with "Canucks" carved under the logo. Nobody had any idea what it was except Sergei hahaha, but I thought it was cool anyway.
Other than that...the last week or so has been tough for me. I guess I kinda thought for awhile that God would take hard stuff away from me because I was trying to follow Him or something stupid like that. Someone pointed out to me that it doesn't necessarily go away, but your relationship with God gives you Someone who will never leave you and who will always be with you through it. I heard a super powerful testimony this last weekend - actually completely randomly stumbled across it on youtube - that changed me. I related to it so very much and it gave me hope that God does indeed "heal the brokenhearted and bind their wounds." I know I'm definitely not the only student here who has problems - wounds, broken hearts and stuff like that. But I also have seen God working in so many of us here already and doing specific stuff in their hearts and changing them and healing them. And I know He will continue to do so, in them and also in me. I really believe that not a single one of us who came here to do this DTS, no matter what the reason behind doing it was, will leave after the 5 months the same as they were before they came. God's changing us all so radically and I know He's far from done.
Tonight I got the opportunity to spend awhile walking with Morgan. We had a really good conversation and God really used her to speak into my life. Also the last few days, not specifically through a single person or anything, but it's just been popping up alot, this concept - that God relentlessly pursues us. And that although there might be times when you turn from Him, He doesn't turn from you. Although there might be times that you feel hopelessly alone, He's right there with you even if you might not feel Him. There's a song that we sing in morning worship alot, and the words have really spoke to me. it's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. The lyrics....
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
That song speaks such a powerful message and encompasses so many parts of the Christian life. It's so full of praise and hope. I just love it so much! I need to be constantly filling your mind with God's truth to replace the devil's lies.
Mmmmyeah. I think that's all I have to write about at the moment. I miss all you people in Abbotsford and everywhere else I know people. But I really do that where I am right now is where God wants me and it's where I need to be. Yes it's tough sometimes but overall it's been a great experience so far and it's only gonna get deeper. I'm excited to see what else God is going to do by the end of the school! He's giving us so many stories to share with the world already.
Trying to think what in particular has happened in the last week or so...the usual crazy life of YWAM'ers I guess. Our intense week 3 ended, for one thing. I was pretty relieved to have all the work of that week behind me. The weekend consisted of the usual random stuff we do around here - aka cafe ministry, beach life, food, football, movies, etc. The guys went hunting for snakes and alligators on Sunday at a park and ended up bringing a baby alligator back to the base. It was so cute! Justin was cuddling it all day pretty much and it bit Wilson. The video of that is pretty great. Jordan accidentally wiped his butt with poison ivy that same day, so he ended up in the hospital because he couldn't sleep on Saturday night. He was supposed to go with a group of students going to a church in Lake City on Sunday morning to do dramas and talk about missions, but he couldn't because he was at the hospital, so Judah had to go and play his part in the Redeemer drama instead. Then it was hilarious because on Monday the new speaker for some reason asked "Did God make poison ivy?" as a rhetorical question and the entire classroom burst out in hysterical laughter. He was like "...whaaaa?" It was great. But then on the way back from Lake City which is like an hour and a half drive, the van broke down, so they had to wait for people to come get them. Oh well, they did tell us at the beginning that there was one key word to YWAM: Flexibility. Haha and they were right.
So yup, that was the weekend in a nutshell. On Monday morning we were sitting in class waiting for our speaker to get there from Orlando. He walked in the door, put his backpack down and started teaching right away. It was great. His name is Ezra Griffiths and the topic he's teaching on this week is the father heart of God. He told us his story for the first part of class Monday morning and it was quite the story! Told in such a funny way that I cried laughing at some parts, but yet an extremely powerful story and awesome to see how far God's brought him.I think at least for me personally it made me much more interested to hear what he had to say, because it's not like he's some person who's been in a Christian bubble all his life. He's been through all the world had to offer and knows God's the real deal. So far the material he's been teaching on involves stuff like God's character and nature, knowing God as opposed to just knowing about God, the revelation of God's Word in relation with the revelation of God in our hearts, and then today alot about trusting God with everything you are and have. He talked about the "worries of the world" that keep us from doing what God really wants us to do. So far I really like this week's classes. It's really challenging me to a closer intimate relationship with God on a daily basis, not just a head knowledge. Also to really look at my life and identify the specific things in my life that stop me from following after God wholeheartedly.
Next weekend we're off to Cincinnati, Ohio for the "Finish" conference! Should be an awesome roadtrip and also a sweet conference. Robby Dawkins is speaking, apparently he's pretty famous. I've never heard of him though.
In small groups today my small group carved pumpkins! I've never done that before hahah and I still don't know why people enjoy doing that every October, but it was fun. I carved the Canucks logo into it with "Canucks" carved under the logo. Nobody had any idea what it was except Sergei hahaha, but I thought it was cool anyway.
Other than that...the last week or so has been tough for me. I guess I kinda thought for awhile that God would take hard stuff away from me because I was trying to follow Him or something stupid like that. Someone pointed out to me that it doesn't necessarily go away, but your relationship with God gives you Someone who will never leave you and who will always be with you through it. I heard a super powerful testimony this last weekend - actually completely randomly stumbled across it on youtube - that changed me. I related to it so very much and it gave me hope that God does indeed "heal the brokenhearted and bind their wounds." I know I'm definitely not the only student here who has problems - wounds, broken hearts and stuff like that. But I also have seen God working in so many of us here already and doing specific stuff in their hearts and changing them and healing them. And I know He will continue to do so, in them and also in me. I really believe that not a single one of us who came here to do this DTS, no matter what the reason behind doing it was, will leave after the 5 months the same as they were before they came. God's changing us all so radically and I know He's far from done.
Tonight I got the opportunity to spend awhile walking with Morgan. We had a really good conversation and God really used her to speak into my life. Also the last few days, not specifically through a single person or anything, but it's just been popping up alot, this concept - that God relentlessly pursues us. And that although there might be times when you turn from Him, He doesn't turn from you. Although there might be times that you feel hopelessly alone, He's right there with you even if you might not feel Him. There's a song that we sing in morning worship alot, and the words have really spoke to me. it's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. The lyrics....
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
That song speaks such a powerful message and encompasses so many parts of the Christian life. It's so full of praise and hope. I just love it so much! I need to be constantly filling your mind with God's truth to replace the devil's lies.
Mmmmyeah. I think that's all I have to write about at the moment. I miss all you people in Abbotsford and everywhere else I know people. But I really do that where I am right now is where God wants me and it's where I need to be. Yes it's tough sometimes but overall it's been a great experience so far and it's only gonna get deeper. I'm excited to see what else God is going to do by the end of the school! He's giving us so many stories to share with the world already.
 |
| Typical weekend at YWAM Jax... |
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| My Vancouver Canucks pumpkin! CANADA REPRESENT!! |
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Week 3!
Oops, I didn't even realize I haven't posted anything in almost a week. I guess I should do something about that. This week has been insanely busy so far. But, I should pick up where I left off. On Friday night I went with half of the DTS students to this huge youth conference type thing in Jacksonville called YouthQuake Live. YWAM Jax had a booth there so some of the staff went too to do that. It was a really great conference. About 3,000 teenagers in one building and the worship was insane! There was dramas too and a speaker. The topic of the night was "Christian-ish", based on that verse in Revelation where it says "because you are neither hot nor cold, I will spew you out of my mouth". Everything that was part of the conference revolved around that theme. Which I think is a really good topic for teens today, that you really can't sit on the fence when it comes to being a Christian. Either you need to be totally sold out and passionate about it, or you don't have anything to do with it at all. You shouldn't just be "Christian" whenever it's comfortable for you. Anyway, I really liked that conference. It was alot of fun too.
Saturday night there was another show at Freebird Live right next door, so the streets were filled with the sounds of music and also with homeless people and everyone drunk, high and wasted. A group called "Crucial Ministries" came to the cafe and did a program for saturday night ministry in there. They had worship music going and one guy was doing a mime. That was cool. It was pretty stormy here over the weekend, the winds were so high it was ridiculous and it poured sometimes. On Sunday a bunch of us went murfing (air mattress surfing) and later that night I went swimming with some people. Although apparently that wasn't safe and the beach was closed because the waves were so crazy that it was dangerous. Oops. But thankfully none of us died or anything, so I guess it's all good...:)
Yeah, so that was the weekend. There is seriously football on the screen all weekend here. It should really be replaced with some hockey sometime.
This week we have a speaker who is teaching us the inductive method of studying the Bible. We're studying the book of Acts. We have double classes this week plus homework, which changes up our schedule and makes us pretty busy. It's a pretty intense way to study the bible with 3 steps: observation, interpretation and application. We started by reading the whole book of Acts out loud while colorcoding geographical places. That took one whole class (3 hours). Then in the afternoon class we started with dividing up the book into paragraphs with paragraph titles, then sections with titles, then divisions, etc. Moving on from there we've started with the interpretation step, which is alot of reading and studying and colorcoding. We also split up into 3 groups and for the afternoon class today we were supposed to as a group write a paper on the topic we were given and also prepare a 10-minute presentation for tomorrow. My group got the topic of "the Jews' attitude and relation to unclean animals" (because of Paul's vision of the sheet with unclean animals in it, right before he goes to Cornelius' house). We found it to be a bit of a difficult topic, and i had no idea how hard it is to try to write a paper with a group of about 7 or 8 people, but we finally got the paper written and the presentation is gonna be pretty funny. So that's class this week! We also have a bunch of memorizing and a book report to get done by Friday, so that plus class homework and work duties is keeping us on our toes. Next week I have no idea off the top of my head who's teaching, or what the topic is.
One quick thing, I was reading The Message version of the Bible during my quiet time today. I don't always read that, infact i usually read my NIV bible, but sometimes I like to read the message or compare it to my NIV. I like the Message sometimes, because it's the Bible put into such modern day language that I can understand it super easily. Anyways, the Bible reading plan on my iPod landed on Psalm 88 today in The Message. I guess it just struck me that even people in the Bible had such negative emotions at times, and that even in this example although David was a king and wrote alot of extolling and happy psalms, he didn't always feel that way. Here it is...Psalm 88, The Message
God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
Saturday night there was another show at Freebird Live right next door, so the streets were filled with the sounds of music and also with homeless people and everyone drunk, high and wasted. A group called "Crucial Ministries" came to the cafe and did a program for saturday night ministry in there. They had worship music going and one guy was doing a mime. That was cool. It was pretty stormy here over the weekend, the winds were so high it was ridiculous and it poured sometimes. On Sunday a bunch of us went murfing (air mattress surfing) and later that night I went swimming with some people. Although apparently that wasn't safe and the beach was closed because the waves were so crazy that it was dangerous. Oops. But thankfully none of us died or anything, so I guess it's all good...:)
Yeah, so that was the weekend. There is seriously football on the screen all weekend here. It should really be replaced with some hockey sometime.
This week we have a speaker who is teaching us the inductive method of studying the Bible. We're studying the book of Acts. We have double classes this week plus homework, which changes up our schedule and makes us pretty busy. It's a pretty intense way to study the bible with 3 steps: observation, interpretation and application. We started by reading the whole book of Acts out loud while colorcoding geographical places. That took one whole class (3 hours). Then in the afternoon class we started with dividing up the book into paragraphs with paragraph titles, then sections with titles, then divisions, etc. Moving on from there we've started with the interpretation step, which is alot of reading and studying and colorcoding. We also split up into 3 groups and for the afternoon class today we were supposed to as a group write a paper on the topic we were given and also prepare a 10-minute presentation for tomorrow. My group got the topic of "the Jews' attitude and relation to unclean animals" (because of Paul's vision of the sheet with unclean animals in it, right before he goes to Cornelius' house). We found it to be a bit of a difficult topic, and i had no idea how hard it is to try to write a paper with a group of about 7 or 8 people, but we finally got the paper written and the presentation is gonna be pretty funny. So that's class this week! We also have a bunch of memorizing and a book report to get done by Friday, so that plus class homework and work duties is keeping us on our toes. Next week I have no idea off the top of my head who's teaching, or what the topic is.
One quick thing, I was reading The Message version of the Bible during my quiet time today. I don't always read that, infact i usually read my NIV bible, but sometimes I like to read the message or compare it to my NIV. I like the Message sometimes, because it's the Bible put into such modern day language that I can understand it super easily. Anyways, the Bible reading plan on my iPod landed on Psalm 88 today in The Message. I guess it just struck me that even people in the Bible had such negative emotions at times, and that even in this example although David was a king and wrote alot of extolling and happy psalms, he didn't always feel that way. Here it is...Psalm 88, The Message
God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
Put me on your salvation agenda;
take notes on the trouble I'm in.
I've had my fill of trouble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case.
Abandoned as already dead,
one more body in a stack of corpses,
And not so much as a gravestone—
I'm a black hole in oblivion.
You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
I'm battered senseless by your rage,
relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
You turned my friends against me,
made me horrible to them.
I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
I wring my hands, I plead for help.
Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
Why do you make yourself scarce?
For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
the only friend I have left is Darkness.
 |
| The group I wrote the paper and did a presentation with. This is one of the pictures for the presentation. And yes, the girl in the bikini and the guy with the longboard are statues :P |
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