Take my Hand

I really hate typing so much, but there really is so much to say! it's been another amazing few days. Well I gotta say, the nights more than the days haha. Today we worked on dramas all day again and finally finished The Redeemer! Woooooo! So happy about that. It's such a freaking powerful drama and it's so great how you can express the entire story of salvation through just 10 minutes, no words involved. there's certain parts of it that i just get into a whole lot because they're just so powerful. the first part where i'm just partying, not so much. but later, when we get to the part where the sin makes a wall between man and God, and then the part where we're tormenting Man...and Jesus steps in and takes the blackness of sin on Himself and allows us to torment him so man can be set free. I find it the easiest part of the drama to act is the whipping Jesus, the crown of thorns, and nailing him to the cross. It's so easy to act just because it's so powerful! That God would allow His creations to put him through the ultimate pain and separation from his father, why? because He loved man, his creations who he made, who screwed up and didn't deserve it at all. I guess it's easy to act because I see myself doing that in real life. What I've done is the reason Jesus went through that pain.Anyway, after the crucifixtion scene, we're about to envelop Man completely in sin when Jesus rises again. We crouch in terror, and Jesus reaches out to man and pulls him up out of sin's grip. As Man is pulled up by Jesus, the vest representing sin is torn off and we fall to the ground because Jesus is stronger!
Okay, so tonight. We're chilling in the classroom, Apps, Josh, Judah, Ansley, Alex and me. We're playing this really hilarious game called Quelf, when Josh is like "guys, i feel like we need to go pray for people". so we all go outside and sit in the park and start praying. there's this thing called freebird live literally right next door to us, and you would not believe the volume of the screamo music coming out of there on weekend nights. it's insane. we're sitting right across the road from that and we decide to start intercession, asking God to show us where to go, what to do, what He wants us to do. We asked the Holy Spirit to come fill us. It was amazing, we could feel it coming down on us. The screamo music actually got so quiet that we could hear each other talk without yelling, i have no idea how that happened. We were all laughing just with the joy of being filled up and overflowing. Then we waited in silence for God to put what He wanted in our minds. After a bit stuff started coming out...girl in pink, umbrella, orange, stripe, Jamrock. So we start walking towards this bar and grill down the road called Jamrock. and what do you know, we see a lady in a pink shirt sitting at the only table that has an umbrella over it. Alex walks up to her and starts talking. Her husband siting with her was wearing a striped shirt. Turns out they used to be missionaries, we had a nice conversation with them. We affirmed them and they encouraged us on our mission and we prayed together. Next we started talking to this homeless guy whose name is ironically, Free. We listened to his stories about his time in the army and in jail, we shared about Jesus. We prayed for him....he had something wrong with his shoulder and we prayed for it. Afterwards he said that he couldn't even feel it. We went on like that until we eventually got back to the base, and we went to the classroom again to pray. We were listening to this worship song when Alex decides that God wants her to go sing on the street corner. So Apps goes with her, she takes her ipod and earphones, and sings her heart out right across the street from this huge clubhouse party thing with deafening screamo music and everyone just partying. It was awesome. A bit later I went out with Jordan and Josh, talked to some more people. We all ended up on that street corner where Alex was still singing. The rest of us sat on the street in a circle and just start praying and singing. Everyone on the deck at the party across the street, and there was alot, were staring at us. Just staring, it was so weird! At first they yelled and laughed and told us to shut up. We yelled back that God loves them. They were fascinated. At one point we all sang Amazing Grace at the top of our lungs, and everyone at the party up on the deck stopped talking. People walking by on the street looked at us super weird, but i didn't care. None of us did. We talked to whoever would talk to us, prayed with people, and sang. It was amazing. We were all filled up to the top and overflowing. Let me tell you, stepping out of our comfort zone tonight and being willing to go and do what God wanted us to tonight was SO MUCH FUN!! it was funner than chilling with each other. Because I really believe that's what happens when you let God do what He wants with you. When you're no longer afraid to go up to random people and talk to them, to walk into scary bars and places just to find people who need to hear about Jesus. When you no longer care when people laugh at you, or look at you funny, or stare at you, or think you're a freak. When you're so overflowing with Jesus' love that you can hug a homeless person and not even think twice. It had such an impression on all of us and made us want to go out and change the world right then and there.
Another super cool story for me. Last night I was walking around with Apps and I started telling him about how my testimony isn't really complete because I don't have a before and after picture. My life and my sin has actually gotten worse lately instead of better, and isn't there something wrong with that? doesn't that mean something's not right between you and God? Anyway, we sat down on a curb (we're super good at just praying in the street now, incase you didnt already pick up on that hahahaha) and he prayed that God would show me whether that was the voices of fear and doubt speaking and trying to take away my assurance of God's control over my life, or whether it was actually something I needed to make right with God. He kept saying that God's hand is reached out towards me and that I need to choose to drop the chains that still hold me back from God's perfect and beautiful and holy and awesome and purposeful plan for my life. and it started really making sense to me, like YES it's the voice of satan telling me that i'm a failure, that i have no purpose, that God won't forgive me. But somehow I wouldn't believe it was a lie. I wanted to hold onto my feelings of self-hate and not living life. Those feelings had a pretty strong hold on me, not gonna lie. For so long I've let the devil get more and more of a foothold. I've let him whisper crap in my ear about not mattering to anyone, not having a purpose, being invisible, being horrible and ugly and everything else. I've taken it as the truth and implanted it into my mind until I believed every ounce of it. I've never realized it was satan trying to kill, steal and destroy me. Then later, Apps told me a story of a dream he had once. it's a man sitting in ashes in a prison cell dressed in rags. outside the prison cell is heaven. God sitting at the table with a huge feast. God comes over to the man in the prison cell and says, come to the feast i made for you! and the prison cell is open, but man sees it closed. man says 'God, i can't, i'm dressed in rags' and God says 'no you're not, look at yourself! you're beautiful! you're perfect! i love you!' but man looks down and only sees rags. He's blinded to the truth. I felt so pulled but yet so torn. I couldn't. This morning during worship they were singing this song "shout it out from the rooftops that I am Yours" and i got this sinking feeling in my heart that I couldn't sing that because i'm not completely God's. There's parts of me that I'm holding back from him. Still I was held back. Tonight, i was praying in that park with like 5 other students, asking God to speak to us for what we were about to do. We start praying asking for the presence of the Holy Spirit to fill us up and He came down in such a tangible way that we could all feel him. As I waited with my eyes closed I saw an arm outstretched. Like that famous painting where God's hand is reaching towards Peter's. Except I just saw God's hand. At that moment the chains of my heart broke. JESUS IS STRONGER!! I prayed, I gave every last part of me to God, I told Him how much i freaking love him because i do. I'm done trying to take care of my own life, because it doesn't work. the devil had his chance but that is over. I belong only to God and every last part of me is His to control and take care of. And I'm gonna work on not even letting that stupid devil get even one little tiny foothold in my mind. Because life's worth living because Jesus is in it. Jesus is it. He's all I want, He's all I need, He's the real deal. I took his hand tonight for real and I'm never letting go. I cant remember the last time I was this pumped about life. It's actually been never.

Story of my current life: New

So many new things! Like seriously it's so insanely awesome. New roommates! for the first time ever, i have roommates. And a room key! I just loveee carrying around my own room key, like seriously you guys have no idea. New relationships, new concepts, new temperatures, new skills to learn..the list doesn't end. this saturday I get to learn how to surf, so excited!
Anyways, what I really wanna blog about tonight is the crazy insane thing that we learned about in class this morning. This word called "intercession," defined by "holy, believing, perservering prayer whereby someone pleads with God on behalf of another who desperately needs God's intervention." I've heard that word before, and always assumed it was a fancy theological word for prayer. Well maybe for some people it is, but apparently not for YWAM! Nope, the concept we learned today was absolutely new to me. I've never thought of it like how they described it. Basically that you don't pray about what you think you should pray about. You give that to God and wait for Him to show you things to pray about, and pray back to Him what He's given you. Since I suck at explaining stuff, here's the 10 kinda "steps" of intercession that we went through. Not steps really, but more of a guideline or way of understanding. Oh, here's the headline: "Principles for Effective Intercession":
1. Praise God for who He is, and for the privilege of engaging in the same wonderful ministry as the Lord Jesus. Praise God for the privilege of co-operating with Him in the affairs of mankind through prayer.
2. Make sure your heart is clean before God by having given the holy spirit time to convict, should there be any unconfessed sin.
3. Acknowledge that you cannot fully pray without the direction and energy of the holy spirit, ask God to utterly control you by his spirit, receive by faith the reality that he does, and thank him.
4. Deal aggressively with the enemy. Come against him in the all powerful name of the Lord Jesus Christ and with the sword of the spirit (the word of God)
5. Die to your own imaginations, desires and burdens for what you feel you should pray about.
6. Praise God now in faith for the remarkable prayer meeting you're going to have. He is a remarkable God, and we should do something consistent with His character.
7. Wait before God in silent expectancy, listening for His direction.
8. In obedience and faith, utter what God brings to your mind, believing. Keep asking God for direction, expecting Him to give it to you. He will. Make sure you don't move to the next subject until you've given God time to discharge all He wants to say regarding this burden, especially when praying in a group. Be encouraged by the lives of Moses, Daniel, Paul and Anna, knowing that God gives revelation to those who make intercession a way of life. 
9. If possible, have your bible with you should God want to give you direction or confirmation from it.
10. When God ceases to bring things to your mind for which to pray, finish by praising and thanking Him for what He has done, reminding yourself of Romans 11:36: "For through Him and from Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen."
Honestly, to me this was just class. Until they said we were gonna split up into 4 groups and go do it. We were randomly numbered off and my group decided to go sit on a concrete walkway in a park across the street. We went through the first few steps, praying prayers of adoration and asking the holy spirit to come join us and convict us and prepare our hearts. Then we were silent for a good while. When Apps randomly said "Guys, this is gonna sound weird, but I see a fireman with a helmet on. He's looking at the ark of the covenant, I think. His eyes are fixed on it and they're looking nowhere else even though there's flames all around him." I honestly was looking at him a bit weird right then. Like seriously Apps? fireman? we're supposed to be having intercession. praying. we don't pray about firemen.
Apparently, we do. Almost immediately, we heard a fire truck. It was silent again for a bit as we the group started praying into that. Courtney said after a bit that she felt confirmation that it's a warning. that we as christians need to keep our eyes really fixed on God, and take them off everything else, especially during these 5 months of our dts. So we spent time in prayer for that. Josh heard just one word in his mind: "Listen." Then Jordan jumped in and said "I see a brick wall. I think it means that me, or someone else, has some kind of wall in their life that needs to come down for God to really work. Also in front of the brick wall I saw a bible in a glass case. It was open to a page but I couldn't see what page." That was when I said "Jordan, I think God wants you to know and to share with us what that verse was. some things God means to be unknown, but not this" so we were all quiet again. After a few minutes Jordan said "Psalms." Apps asked "where?" and Jordan said "i dont know what this says, but Psalm 108:7" He looked it up and started reading. The first part said "God has spoken in His sanctuary". Right when he read that, we heard a firetruck again. Let me just tell you, we went beserk. It was insane. We spent time in prayer for those things. Then Alex said "I'm the person behind the brick wall. There's something coming inbetween me andGod, I know what it is, I just really don't want to do it" We prayed for her, and God has already given her the courage to break that wall down. I'm so proud of her and i love her so much already!! Anyway, that was intercession. So crazy, we took 15 minutes longer than we were supposed to to get back to class, and everyone was waiting for us. but we didn't care, we could not stop smiling. When the other groups shared what had come to their minds, there were connections that could be made even inbetween what each individual group had experienced. It was amazing! I know my group was so pumped, we wanted to do this every day.
Other stuff happened in today's schedule, but we also had ministry group meetings this afternoon. Basically all the DTS students are split up into 2 groups which stay the same for the 3 months. There's a cafe pretty much right on base, my group gets it on saturday night. Pretty much as a group we decide what to do with it. We can go out on teh streets, talk to people, bring people into the cafe, do prayer tables, music, poster boards, whatever we come up with and want to do. and this part of town where the base is, is ideal for street ministry. like let me tell you, it is party central here on the weekends. Mainly because the beach is literally a 2 second walk from the base, all you see around here is surf shops and people in bathing suits with surfboards and on bikes. Lots of bars around here, lots of homeless people. Especially on the weekends, people wander around on the streets alot. So yeah, I'm excited for that. We didn't really figure out too much today but hopefully we'll get a feel for it and also for each other and different talents and abilities that we could work together to use to do that in the most effective way.
Oooooh! Last thing I wanna blog about before I stop annoying my roomates at this time of night with my clicking keyboard. I had a ridiculously awesome night tonight! I went on a 4 hour adventure with the most unique dude you will ever meet, pretty much guaranteed. His name is Apps, yes he even has a unique name. We walked down the beach a looooong ways, talking about and processing stuff that happened today. Then he started telling me his life story and I couldn't believe the similarities to mine. We were going to walk down the pier, but it cost money, which is dumb. so then we kept walking along the beach, when we saw in the sunset light this awesome-looking cross on top of a church. We were like "do you wanna go look at it?" and so we ran up there and we heard music, so we walked inside (still with bare feet covered in sand). They were having a worship practice, so we sat down and sang along with them for awhile. And wouldn't you believe the verse hanging on the wall! Romans 8:38-39. Of course. After awhile we left there and decided to walk back to the base on teh streets instead of the beach. So we're walking down the streets barefoot and still talking. He finished his life story so I started mine. From meeting him you would have no idea how much in common we actually have! It was incredible to just talk about life and spiritual warfare and so many so awesome important things. I am just so inspired by the amount of passion and joy that just flows right out of him all the time. I think all of us love it, and also the way he most commonly calls God "Daddy" when he's praying. It's so cool. It's a really vulnerable thing to call God. Anyway, we got distracted and realized we'd walked too far and were past the base. So we turned around, and as we're talking these 2 guys are walking past us, and one of them is like "hey dude, you gonna drink all night?" Apps was like "nah man, i don't drink." so he was like "who're you lying to, you gonna smoke then?" and Apps was like "no, i don't smoke either" and so they were like "so what you guys doing then?" and we're like "we're just talking" and they're like "ohhh..." so we told them a bit about ywam and the cafe stuff and had a bit of a conversation. When they were about to leave Apps asked if we could pray for them, and they were like "yeah, sure" and knelt right down on the street. So we did too, and we just prayed for them. After we left I turned to him and said "there was definitely a reason we walked too far". So then we went back to the base, got money, walked to a dairy queen, kept talking, and got icecream. While Apps struck up a conversation with the cashier about beavers. Not surprising. Anyway, it was the randomest combination of things I have probably ever done. but it was so fun! And so cool to see God even in the little things.
Oops, I said that was the last thing. I lied. TOMORROW! we have to know where we're going on outreach by tomorrow lunch. for anyone who actually reads this far down in this stupid post, pray for us as students. For guidance for those who don't yet have a clue, for conviction for those who do, and just that God would guide every student to make the right decision on where He wants us to go. I'm pretty sure I know where I'm supposed to be going, but it's not the easy choice for me. In alot of ways I want to go to the other place, but I really want it to be only God's leading. But if I had my choice we would NOT split up for outreach. like that would just be the ultimate awesomeness, if we didnt have to choose and if we didn't have to leave some people that we're really going to be connecting with and growing to love over the next 3 months behind. So yeah, just pray for God to release everything involved with that.
So yeah, I'm going to bed now. PS Being a canadian in america KINDA SUCKS sometimes. ha.

YES!!

Today I moved into my new home for the next 5 months! well, 3 months, until I go on outreach. It's a pretty tiny room for 4 people - about the size of my own room at home. There's 2 bunk beds, and the space inbetween the top and bottom bunk is seriously like 2 inches high. Then there's a closet, a tiny bathroom, a microwave, a fridge, and, thank heaven, AC! I got here this afternoon and unpacked. I have three sweet roommates...Ansley, Bekah and Victoria. I think we're gonna get along wonderfully. Just for the record, there's 18 students...10 guys and 8 girls. There's 4 girls to a room and the guys have two rooms with the middle wall smashed down so it's 10 guys in one big room. Let's see if I can remember all the names....me, Ansley, Bekah, Victoria, Morgan, Kristine, Cassy, Alexandria, Daniel, Jordan, Apps, John, Josh, Justin, Austin, Winston, Judah, and Aaron. Haha i may or may not have needed my roommates' help to remember all the names...and i have no idea how many staff there are, but they're all pretty cool so far. Anyways, we had supper at 5 in the classroom and then we had worship in the courtyard. It almost rained but barely didn't so that was awesome. We had a time of prayer where all the staff came around and prayed for us students, and then us students prayed for each other. That was awesome. After the worship ended I said goodbye to my family and us students decided to go hang out in the classroom. We went around the circle saying trivia facts, which was pretty boring until Daniel decided to share the fact that where he comes from (switzerland), they make the best chocolate, and then decided to give us all a bar:) Then we pulled a bunch of chairs out and put them in a circle and played "I have never" for awhile, which is a super fun game and a good way to get to know each other and tell alot of funny stories. After awhile we got bored of that too, and decided to instead go around the circle and share kinda like life stories, up until how we ended up at ywamjax. I had no idea that people were going to actually start being open and sharing their hearts on the very first night, but somehow that's what happened. It was so incredible to hear everyone's stories, so different but still with one common goal and somehow by God's hand had all ended up at ywamjax. When it came around to me, I just said "I have no story". Which wasn't true, but I had just met these people today. I don't trust people all that easily, and I sure wasn't going to be honest and basically turn myself inside out for these random people to see. The circle continued and someone sitting 2 seats over from me started talking, and basically had an identical story to mine except one thing. the next person that talked had been through that thing too. I was amazed by the love and support and emotion that just seemed to emanate from the entire group. Nobody was excluded, nobody said anything to condone or mock anything the person had been through. I thought, "Really? Why am I holding myself back from these people who i'm going to be spending the next 5 months with? They're here for the same reasons I am, I can trust them". Once we got around the whole circle, someone asked me if i wanted to talk. And I did. Something I've never done before with people who I barely know. I started crying probably in the second sentence and it took a bit. When i finished, I realized I wasn't the only person crying. And it wasn't just the girls who were crying either. Somebody said "Do y'all wanna pray?" and everyone in the room just got up and gathered around me. There was no awkwardness or weirdness, no sense of shame in the emotion even from the guys, absolutely nothing but together-ness and love. People held my hands, put their hands on me, and prayed for me and over me. It was absolutely incredible. My mind was seriously blown. I have never experienced that kind of love and absolute family-like sense with people I just met. Where nobody cared what anybody else thought of them because nobody was judging. I was so incredibly blessed tonight. People hugged me, prayed with me, held my hands, gave me words of encouragement, told me they were there for me. Afterwards we started moving around and doing the same for each other, praying where we were led over every student who had just shared their past, their brokenness, their hearts. What I found really amazing is that people actually openly shared with the entire group of students stuff that I would never tell anyone, except maybe one or two who i've known forever. I'm so so incredibly happy that each of us students ended up here to make an impact on each other's lives and also the lives of others. After we finished in the classroom it was dark, and we all went for a walk on the beach. Laughed, talked, shared more stories, climbed a lifeguard tower, took pictures, sang songs. I was talking to someone who told me that they thought everyone else in the DTS would be "good people". which was weird because I was worried about the same thing. That's definitely not the case. I'm so thankful for a group of people who mesh together this well and all have such a passionate heart for God! I can't wait toget to know each of them better and to grow together. i'm actually so so excited, which is something i haven't been for awhile. tonight i totally felt, finally, a sense of belonging. that this is where i'm supposed to be. I can't wait for class to start tomorrow!! I could not have picked a better group to spend half a year with. As someone said tonight, "we're leaving whatever was in our past and starting new". together. which really can be, a great place to be.

And, these are my new roommates:)

Walking Away

Which is what I'm doing in 4 hours - walking away. Running away? Maybe. Sometimes I think so. Other times I'm not sure what I'm doing. But what I do know is that for right now, I'm leaving. I think that's a bit more obvious to pretty much anyone other than me. I mean, I've known that I'm going. But I haven't really done anything to get ready until today. I've just been busy with the normal stuff that I've always done. Working the same job, seeing the same people and going the same places. I don't even think it really hit me that I was actually leaving until Saturday when I worked my last day at the lumberyard. Everyone was talking about how I was leaving and wishing me well and being way too nice. I was all of a sudden like "woah, this is the last time i'm gonna see these people that i've seen every day for such a long time in the same place." It was so weird. On Saturday night I went to this thing called Worship Invasion with a friend. It was such a super cool way of worshiping God that opened my eyes to something new. It felt like kind of a preview of the huge kaleidescope of experiences I'm headed for in the next 5 months. Then on Sunday, I went to a going-away party and went swing dancing for a girl who's headed to India for a YWAM DTS. She's leaving 2 days after me. It was lots of fun and a great chance to see a few friends before I left.
Today was a bit of a crazy day. I spent the morning packing for my horse, moving him to the place he's gonna stay for the 5 months, and bringing a huge supply of hay over there for him. Then I got a few errands and stuff cleared up, and packed. It took me less than an hour, which is a bit ridiculous considering I packed for almost half a year. I probably forgot a whole pile of stuff, but it doesn't really matter.
Then tonight I spent the evening with my best friend Jenna. I knew she was definitely the person I wanted to spend my last night in Canada with, and it was amazing. I got to see Kat for a bit while she studied, and then we went out for dinner. We laughed and talked more than we ate. Then we decided to drive to Silvercity and see a movie. We watched Cowboys and Aliens, and it was a super jumpy type scary movie. We were spazzing out so much. When that was over I could finally breathe again, so we laughed some more and talked even more and drove back to abbotsford and got coffee. All of a sudden she said "I have something for you.." and pulled out this box. A box of letters. Letters from people who I love and who mean something to me. Letters from people she didn't even know, but she knew me well enough to know the part they played in my life. I can't even say how floored I was. I was especially amazed by the fact that she knew me well enough to know that what matters to me are relationships and special words from special people. I haven't read the letters yet because I'm not supposed to read them until I get to Jacksonville. But I can't wait to read them! After I dropped Jenna off at her house, I cried all the way home. I've had a lot of heartbreaking goodbyes in my life, and this was definitely one. But not because I won't see her again, because I will. In just 5 months. I'm just sad that I have to leave behind the amazing jewel of a bestfriend that I somehow ended up with. And I have so many people in my life like that - people who care, people who don't leave even when I suck, people who are there no matter what, people who want to share in my life just because they care. and I literally don't know where I would be without each and every one of those people in my life. I've learned so incredibly much from them and I would be lost without them.
But now, I'm leaving. I'm walking away. If even for a pretty short time like 5 months, I'm going. Leaving the familiar places, familiar people, familiar lifestyle. Walking towards something that is still a vague outline in the distance. But something that I think is going to be radically life-changing.
Looking around my room I see some of the things I'm leaving behind. My grad cap is somewhere under a pile of clothes. Textbooks are laying beside my desk with a thin layer of dust already on them. My painting jeans and my work shirts are beside my bed. Horse dewormer and show ribbons are on top of my desk. My snowboard is leaning up against my wall. Music binders, trophies, and medals are laying around. My closet doors are full of pictures of my friends. They all represent stuff I'm leaving behind. Stuff that's been my life up until this point, and won't be for the next 5 months at least.
What am I walking towards? I'm not sure yet. At this point, it's all about walking away. Which is probably easier for me than for some people, because I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for a new fresh perspective and a new spin on life. I'm ready to learn life lessons and make a difference. I'm ready to meet new people and have an absolutely amazing time with them. I'm ready to start a brand new adventure and come out of it a radically different person. Not because of the place I'm in or even necessarily because of the people I'm with, but because of what God's gonna do.

Walking Away

Well, ready or not, i'm leaving. Goodbye Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada....Hello Jacksonville Beach, Florida, USA!