Forgive and Release....Freedom!

So this last week of DTS was our 4th week of DTS, but our 3rd week of lecture - because the first week was orientation week. I know I'm not just speaking for myself when I say that last week was a tough week but also a super amazing week. Like I wrote in my last blog post, our speaker was Ezra Griffiths, the director of YWAM Orlando. After learning about the nature and character of God for a few days, the last 2 days were spent talking about our response to it - stuff about forgiveness, release, restoration, and reconciliation. We talked about God's ways of repentance and also about hurts or wounds in our past that we may be holding onto. About how holding grudges or unforgiveness in our heart, even without consciously thinking about it, destroys us. One quote that stood out to me about forgiveness when Ezra was teaching about it in class was "Forgiveness doesn't change your past; it only unlocks your future." Holding onto old hurts in your life, whether justified or not, keeps you from living your life to the fullest in your identity in Christ. Ezra said "We have the strength in Christ to break the bonds of our past - sometimes we just don't think we have the strength, and we don't choose to be free from it. Believing lies about yourself will hinder you in your walk with Christ." He taught about how when we hear negative things about ourselves, we start living out that identity and letting it become who we are. He talked about how we can break free by that by replacing the lies in our lives with the truth of who God says we are, etc.
"God, our FATHER, desires to restore you so that your past hurts and wounds no longer negatively affect your present and future! The devil wants us to dwell on our past and the things that have been done to us or the things we have done (bad choices etc). He wants us to stay in bondage to our past and therefore believe there is no future for us - that we are worthless. God's plan - RESTORATION. Restoration means to make you brand new. 2 Corinthians 5:17. If you're in Christ, you're a new creation!"
So yeah, a lot of really relevant stuff in there about how to become free from your past. On Friday when we finished class we were supposed to split up into our small groups and go through this list Ezra gave us. For every name on the list (e.g. Father, mother, myself, friend, romantic partner, etc) we were supposed to ask God if there was anything that we were holding against that person in our hearts, and then speak it aloud and release that person to God and pray a blessing over them. It was supposed to go through the process of forgiveness - and by releasing and blessing the people invidually we would break off the chains that were destroying us by our unforgiveness. I think that as a DTS group it was a really hard day but also extremely freeing. Not everyone had huge things to forgive - sometimes it could be as basic as releasing a friend who talks about you in a negative way even when joking. The point was just to release people in your heart - anyone that you were in any way holding a grudge against. But there were some people who really experienced a breakthrough that day - for example, releasing someone who had done something horrible 7 years ago and had never been forgiven. For them, it was a day of real release and being done with the destruction of unforgiveness - in some cases, calling people or writing letters to make restitution for stuff that had happened years ago or even all their life! It was amazing to see people so happy by just the seemingly simple act of forgiving the people who had ever hurt them.
For me, I just couldn't really think of anything I needed to forgive anyone for. While everyone was in their small groups going through this forgiveness process, at one point I went to McD's for lunch with Ezra. I was telling him a bit about the way I felt that there was really nobody I needed to forgive for anything, and he said "I feel like the hardest person for you to release in your heart and forgive is yourself." We kept talking for awhile, but i didn't really process that until later. I realized that for me, that was very true. The person that I hate the most is actually myself. I've messed up my life and made bad decisions, and I hate myself for it. But I have kinda realized especially in class last week that self-hatred and telling yourself that God can't forgive you and can't use you is a huge trick that the devil uses to keep you stuck in a rut and keep you from fulfilling God's purpose for your life completely. So bit by bit, I'll work on forgiving myself - and also people in my life who have hurt me in the past. I just need to break the chains off my life and focus my eyes on God - so I can live my life in the complete fullness of who he made me to be!
After the forgiveness session got done on Friday, Jordan and Josh got baptized by Mark in the ocean! It was an amazing way to end the day and the week of class. Pretty much everyone on the base walked down to the ocean where both Jordan and Josh told everyone why they wanted to be baptized. We all watched as the two of them walked out into the deeper water with Mark and Wilson and were baptized right there in the Atlantic Ocean! Then at the last moment, Wilson decided to be baptized too. It was an awesome declaration of a new giving over of their lives to God and the beginning of a new start.
The weekend was a pretty normal one here at the base. On Sunday I went with Mark and a few other students to this megachurch in Jacksonville (30,000 members). It was a Baptist church and had a HUGE orchestra and a massive choir! It was a good service. Then on Sunday night we all went to Mark and Janet's house for a cookout, which was fun.
This week starting today we have Sean Yost as a speaker, and he's teaching on the topic of relationships. We've only had one day of class so far, but I really like him as a speaker too! So far he's been talking about our relationship with God and how it's a priority. Also about love, what it means, and how it's the central part of a relationship. Some good stuff from class today..."God wants us to learn to know Him and love Him - He wants our relationship with Him to be the basis of every relationship we have with each other."
"Most of the problems in the world are problems of relationship. Broken relationships - governments, spouses, God, children, friends, etc. So - we need to make having right relationships a priority! James 3:16, 4:1-3. Matthew 22:34-40. ALL = everything. Not just some! Love with everything you have in you. Love God, Love People!! The whole Bible is broken down into relationships. What relationships in your life do you need to re-align?"
"We live in a culture where we elevate self-promotion. That's not what Jesus' life was about and it's not what we're called to be. The law seeks limits, but love seeks outlets. Living by the law - we want to do the least possible amount we can get away with. Living by love - we want to do the most we can! We seek outlets to pour out love on the people we are serving."
So yeah, that's this week! This afternoon we have an outreach group meeting - we're starting to learn about Muslims and what they believe versus what we believe, about the culture and how to effectively witness in an Islam nation. I'm getting pretty excited about spending a few months in the Middle East! Also I can't believe that we're already a third of the way through the lecture phase....it doesn't seem nearly that long!
More song lyrics....:) This is getting to be a tradition. But there's this really amazing song that was played in worship a few days ago which just has the most beautiful lyrics! It's called "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new

Jordan's Baptism!

Josh's Baptism!

Wilson's Baptism!

You Never Let Go

We're almost halfway through our 4th week here at the base and it seems like just a few days ago that we got here. Already so much has happened individually in my personal life and also as we grow together in community, learn new things, and conquer as a group.
Trying to think what in particular has happened in the last week or so...the usual crazy life of YWAM'ers I guess. Our intense week 3 ended, for one thing. I was pretty relieved to have all the work of that week behind me. The weekend consisted of the usual random stuff we do around here - aka cafe ministry, beach life, food, football, movies, etc. The guys went hunting for snakes and alligators on Sunday at a park and ended up bringing a baby alligator back to the base. It was so cute! Justin was cuddling it all day pretty much and it bit Wilson. The video of that is pretty great. Jordan accidentally wiped his butt with poison ivy that same day, so he ended up in the hospital because he couldn't sleep on Saturday night. He was supposed to go with a group of students going to a church in Lake City on Sunday morning to do dramas and talk about missions, but he couldn't because he was at the hospital, so Judah had to go and play his part in the Redeemer drama instead. Then it was hilarious because on Monday the new speaker for some reason asked "Did God make poison ivy?" as a rhetorical question and the entire classroom burst out in hysterical laughter. He was like "...whaaaa?" It was great. But then on the way back from Lake City which is like an hour and a half drive, the van broke down, so they had to wait for people to come get them. Oh well, they did tell us at the beginning that there was one key word to YWAM: Flexibility. Haha and they were right.
So yup, that was the weekend in a nutshell. On Monday morning we were sitting in class waiting for our speaker to get there from Orlando. He walked in the door, put his backpack down and started teaching right away. It was great. His name is Ezra Griffiths and the topic he's teaching on this week is the father heart of God. He told us his story for the first part of class Monday morning and it was quite the story! Told in such a funny way that I cried laughing at some parts, but yet an extremely powerful story and awesome to see how far God's brought him.I think at least for me personally it made me much more interested to hear what he had to say, because it's not like he's some person who's been in a Christian bubble all his life. He's been through all the world had to offer and knows God's the real deal. So far the material he's been teaching on involves stuff like God's character and nature, knowing God as opposed to just knowing about God, the revelation of God's Word in relation with the revelation of God in our hearts, and then today alot about trusting God with everything you are and have. He talked about the "worries of the world" that keep us from doing what God really wants us to do. So far I really like this week's classes. It's really challenging me to a closer intimate relationship with God on a daily basis, not just a head knowledge. Also to really look at my life and identify the specific things in my life that stop me from following after God wholeheartedly.
Next weekend we're off to Cincinnati, Ohio for the "Finish" conference! Should be an awesome roadtrip and also a sweet conference. Robby Dawkins is speaking, apparently he's pretty famous. I've never heard of him though.
In small groups today my small group carved pumpkins! I've never done that before hahah and I still don't know why people enjoy doing that every October, but it was fun. I carved the Canucks logo into it with "Canucks" carved under the logo. Nobody had any idea what it was except Sergei hahaha, but I thought it was cool anyway.
Other than that...the last week or so has been tough for me. I guess I kinda thought for awhile that God would take hard stuff away from me because I was trying to follow Him or something stupid like that. Someone pointed out to me that it doesn't necessarily go away, but your relationship with God gives you Someone who will never leave you and who will always be with you through it. I heard a super powerful testimony this last weekend - actually completely randomly stumbled across it on youtube - that changed me. I related to it so very much and it gave me hope that God does indeed "heal the brokenhearted and bind their wounds." I know I'm definitely not the only student here who has problems - wounds, broken hearts and stuff like that. But I also have seen God working in so many of us here already and doing specific stuff in their hearts and changing them and healing them. And I know He will continue to do so, in them and also in me. I really believe that not a single one of us who came here to do this DTS, no matter what the reason behind doing it was, will leave after the 5 months the same as they were before they came. God's changing us all so radically and I know He's far from done.
Tonight I got the opportunity to spend awhile walking with Morgan. We had a really good conversation and God really used her to speak into my life. Also the last few days, not specifically through a single person or anything, but it's just been popping up alot, this concept - that God relentlessly pursues us. And that although there might be times when you turn from Him, He doesn't turn from you. Although there might be times that you feel hopelessly alone, He's right there with you even if you might not feel Him. There's a song that we sing in morning worship alot, and the words have really spoke to me. it's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. The lyrics....
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

That song speaks such a powerful message and encompasses so many parts of the Christian life. It's so full of praise and hope. I just love it so much! I need to be constantly filling your mind with God's truth to replace the devil's lies. 
Mmmmyeah. I think that's all I have to write about at the moment. I miss all you people in Abbotsford and everywhere else I know people. But I really do that where I am right now is where God wants me and it's where I need to be. Yes it's tough sometimes but overall it's been a great experience so far and it's only gonna get deeper. I'm excited to see what else God is going to do by the end of the school! He's giving us so many stories to share with the world already.  

Typical weekend at YWAM Jax...

 

 

 

My Vancouver Canucks pumpkin! CANADA REPRESENT!!

Week 3!

Oops, I didn't even realize I haven't posted anything in almost a week. I guess I should do something about that. This week has been insanely busy so far. But, I should pick up where I left off. On Friday night I went with half of the DTS students to this huge youth conference type thing in Jacksonville called YouthQuake Live. YWAM Jax had a booth there so some of the staff went too to do that. It was a really great conference. About 3,000 teenagers in one building and the worship was insane! There was dramas too and a speaker. The topic of the night was "Christian-ish", based on that verse in Revelation where it says "because you are neither hot nor cold, I will spew you out of my mouth". Everything that was part of the conference revolved around that theme. Which I think is a really good topic for teens today, that you really can't sit on the fence when it comes to being a Christian. Either you need to be totally sold out and passionate about it, or you don't have anything to do with it at all. You shouldn't just be "Christian" whenever it's comfortable for you. Anyway, I really liked that conference. It was alot of fun too.
Saturday night there was another show at Freebird Live right next door, so the streets were filled with the sounds of music and also with homeless people and everyone drunk, high and wasted. A group called "Crucial Ministries" came to the cafe and did a program for saturday night ministry in there. They had worship music going and one guy was doing a mime. That was cool. It was pretty stormy here over the weekend, the winds were so high it was ridiculous and it poured sometimes. On Sunday a bunch of us went murfing (air mattress surfing) and later that night I went swimming with some people. Although apparently that wasn't safe and the beach was closed because the waves were so crazy that it was dangerous. Oops. But thankfully none of us died or anything, so I guess it's all good...:)
Yeah, so that was the weekend. There is seriously football on the screen all weekend here. It should really be replaced with some hockey sometime.
This week we have a speaker who is teaching us the inductive method of studying the Bible. We're studying the book of Acts. We have double classes this week plus homework, which changes up our schedule and makes us pretty busy. It's a pretty intense way to study the bible with 3 steps: observation, interpretation and application. We started by reading the whole book of Acts out loud while colorcoding geographical places. That took one whole class (3 hours). Then in the afternoon class we started with dividing up the book into paragraphs with paragraph titles, then sections with titles, then divisions, etc. Moving on from there we've started with the interpretation step, which is alot of reading and studying and colorcoding. We also split up into 3 groups and for the afternoon class today we were supposed to as a group write a paper on the topic we were given and also prepare a 10-minute presentation for tomorrow. My group got the topic of "the Jews' attitude and relation to unclean animals" (because of Paul's vision of the sheet with unclean animals in it, right before he goes to Cornelius' house). We found it to be a bit of a difficult topic, and i had no idea how hard it is to try to write a paper with a group of about 7 or 8 people, but we finally got the paper written and the presentation is gonna be pretty funny. So that's class this week! We also have a bunch of memorizing and a book report to get done by Friday, so that plus class homework and work duties is keeping us on our toes. Next week I have no idea off the top of my head who's teaching, or what the topic is.
One quick thing, I was reading The Message version of the Bible during my quiet time today. I don't always read that, infact i usually read my NIV bible, but sometimes I like to read the message or compare it to my NIV. I like the Message sometimes, because it's the Bible put into such modern day language that I can understand it super easily. Anyways, the Bible reading plan on my iPod landed on Psalm 88 today in The Message. I guess it just struck me that even people in the Bible had such negative emotions at times, and that even in this example although David was a king and wrote alot of extolling and happy psalms, he didn't always feel that way. Here it is...Psalm 88, The Message


God, you're my last chance of the day.
I spend the night on my knees before you.
   Put me on your salvation agenda;
      take notes on the trouble I'm in.
   I've had my fill of trouble;
      I'm camped on the edge of hell.
   I'm written off as a lost cause,
      one more statistic, a hopeless case.
   Abandoned as already dead,
      one more body in a stack of corpses,
   And not so much as a gravestone—
      I'm a black hole in oblivion.
   You've dropped me into a bottomless pit,
      sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
   I'm battered senseless by your rage,
      relentlessly pounded by your waves of anger.
   You turned my friends against me,
      made me horrible to them.
   I'm caught in a maze and can't find my way out,
      blinded by tears of pain and frustration.
 ^9-12 I call to you, God; all day I call.
      I wring my hands, I plead for help.
   Are the dead a live audience for your miracles?
      Do ghosts ever join the choirs that praise you?
   Does your love make any difference in a graveyard?
      Is your faithful presence noticed in the corridors of hell?
   Are your marvelous wonders ever seen in the dark,
      your righteous ways noticed in the Land of No Memory?
^13-18 I'm standing my ground, God, shouting for help,
      at my prayers every morning, on my knees each daybreak.
   Why, God, do you turn a deaf ear?
      Why do you make yourself scarce?
   For as long as I remember I've been hurting;
      I've taken the worst you can hand out, and I've had it.
   Your wildfire anger has blazed through my life;
      I'm bleeding, black-and-blue.
   You've attacked me fiercely from every side,
      raining down blows till I'm nearly dead.
   You made lover and neighbor alike dump me;
      the only friend I have left is Darkness.

The group I wrote the paper and did a presentation with. This is one of the pictures for the presentation. And yes, the girl in the bikini and the guy with the longboard are statues :P

The Power of Blood

This last week of class has been good, but the last day or so has been absolutely incredible. Our speaker for class this week was Art Collins, who by the way is such a great speaker. He makes time just fly by. The topic for the week was the Incarnation, Cross and Resurrection of Christ. But we took super long to get through the incarnation, and only started the cross today. We looked at all the prophecies that were predicted and fulfilled through Jesus' life on earth and his death on the cross. We looked at all the objections to the truth of the story of the cross and the validity of the Bible. I got so many new insights and evidence for the actual truth of the cross, and also learned alot in the incarnation about the Trinity and Jesus' dual identity as both God and man.
Yesterday afternoon, we had student led intercession. No staff there, and just us students were spending time, waiting for God to show us what He wanted us to know or see. I've struggled for a long time with life, life's purpose and reason and everything like that. Anyway, yesterday I randomly opened up a Bible and read this verse from Psalm 118:17: "I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done." For me that was amazing. It's like...a life purpose in a nutshell. Because that's really why we're here on this earth - to proclaim to the people who don't yet know what God has done for us! Later on in that same hour, I had my eyes closed and I saw Jesus' wrist on the cross, with a nail through his hand and blood dripping down his wrist. Then I saw his face and it looked so pained and full of such an incredible hurt. All of a sudden I realized that Jesus had that blood running down his wrist so I wouldn't have to. It's his blood that can give me a release, not my own.
Like I just can't believe what's even happening in my life. We're just finishing up the 2nd week of DTS and i already feel so different. I see God working all around me and I just can't get away from his engulfing love. He's breaking me but at the same time I feel like I'm being healed and washed and I'm becoming clean. It's such a new and such an amazing feeling.
Then tonight, oh my gosh. All of us students as a conclusion to the classes on the cross, watched the Passion of the Christ. I'd never seen it. Honestly at the beginning I was fighting to stay awake, I was tired and it just wasn't that interesting. But as it went along it wasn't long before it started gripping me. I was absolutely blown away. I just had absolutely no idea. I've never seen it or thought it to be so real. i couldn't even describe right now the emotions that went through me because of that movie. There were parts where I literally wanted to get up and scream. I don't think my mouth closed pretty much the entire movie. My heart hurt so much. it was absolutely indescribable. It's just depicted in such a way that oh my gosh, it blew my mind. I just cannot even imagine the pain and the hurt and the mocking and every single thing that Jesus took without even complaining once, without a single thought of anger. He had the power of God, He could've stopped them at any point. But He didn't. He chose to be whipped senseless and kicked to the ground over and over again. He chose to have his blood splattered all over the place. He chose to fall under the weight of carrying His own cross. He chose to be left entirely alone. He chose to allow His own creations to kill Him! He chose to be separated from His Father. I just don't see what He could've possibly seen in me that He would want to do that just to save me, of his own free will. Like I honestly do not know the meaning of love, because that is love. And everything else just seems to miniscule and unimportant compared to what Jesus did on that cross. We're scared to tell other people about Jesus because they might think we're weird. But how stupid is that when you think of what Jesus went through! The most excruciating, dragged-out horrible torture and death you could ever imagine. I could not possibly love Jesus nearly as much as He obviously loves me. I just can't see a way that I could continue living life the same. I just couldn't. Jesus has literally given me life, and there's no way I can take it for granted. I've gotta give Him back everything He's so lovingly lavished on me. I can't see myself doing anything else with my life other than using every moment of every day to serve Jesus and try my very best to do exactly what He wants me to do. After the movie ended nobody moved for awhile, and then people just slowly started leaving quietly. I didn't move from where I was sitting for a good 45 minutes. I was just absolutely speechless. Seeing Passion of the Christ changed the way I view the cross. I seriously never knew just how real and horrible that was. People are all about cross necklaces and cross this and cross that, but I for one never realized what was all entailed with the cross, the central point of everything we believe in. I've been to Israel, I've walked down that same road Jesus walked carrying His cross. I've been to his tomb and Calvary and Gethsemane and everything. But then it meant nothing to me. Now I just can't describe how much the cross breaks me inside. I don't think I will ever see it the same way again.

Beach and Class aren't supposed to go together..

So living on the beach pretty much beats living anywhere else. Just saying. If you're not living here right now you should be extremely jealous. I got to go surfing this past weekend for the first time everrr! As a DTS we did this thing called "Epic Surf Camp" on Saturday morning. It was so incredibly awesome! I actually got up after not that many wipeouts and proceded to have a blast despite the wind and crapiness of being forced to wake up early on a weekend to go surfing, of all things! Kidding but seriously, it was so much fun. Also it's extremely fun to just bounce out to the beach literally anytime you have a break inbetween classes or after class or at night - for quiet time, walking and talking, swimming, boarding, beach volleyball and soccer. It's such a gorgeous place.
Anyway, this weekend was fun. Other than surf camp, alot of my weekend was taken up by watching football, which i don't even understand or enjoy in the least. I think we watched a few movies, and bounced around town a bit and went out to eat. We have to go to a stupid laundromat if we want clean clothes, which sucks because it takes so much time! In the evenings of the weekend we chilled in the cafe here with homeless people. That's actually so cool to do and it's crazy how those people just love the feeling of someone being interested in them. One of the homeless guys was "teaching" Winston and Judah his ways of playing guitar. Man did he ever love that! On sunday a bunch of us went to this outdoor church. Not really a church, more a random lady that God called to go out and preach the gospel to the people going to the beach every sunday morning. that was different for sure but it was good. So yeah, I decided i'm a huge fan of weekends here. Curfew is later, the classroom magically becomes a hangout and movie watching room, the meals are different, and you can sit around all day and not have to worry about any schedule. I really love the whole community concept of living here. How everyone lives on the same schedule and on the same rules and everything. It's so awesome because it makes us all so much more united because we're mostly all doing the same thing at the same time. And then when we have unscheduled time we are free to just go wherever with whoever, and nobody really gets left out unless they want to. I love the people here so much already and they are seriously like my family. As a group of students we're already so close to each other and have shared so much together already and are so comfortable around each other. it's crazy to think how much closer we're going to get over the next 5 months. Because this adventure's only just barely started!
Today we got to hear our speaker for the week for the first time in class. His name is Art Collins and let me tell you, he is HILARIOUS! Pretty much had us all in stitches an hour into class. Our topic for this week is the incarnation, cross and resurrection of Christ. He'll teach us about that every class this week and then next week for class we'll have a different speaker and a new topic. After work duties this afternoon Art took a whole bunch of us out to Yogaberry and treated us all to frozen yogurt and then told us hilarious stories. That was awesome!
Tonight all us girls went to this conference/worship type night called "Women Alive." The topic was human trafficking and the sex trade. We watched a movie about it and heard a testimony from a lady who God had healed from being in prostitution. After that we had worship and prayer. It was a pretty moving night.
After that, we came back to the base and watched Modern Family with the guys. the end. i'm going to bed. good night.
Oops, wait, not yet. Prayer request, one of the DTS students (Jordan) got word at around lunch today that his dad had a stroke. He left right away to drive home to Georgia, and another student (Justin) went with him for moral support. We heard from Jordan tonight that his dad isn't doing as badly as he thought, so that's good. But just pray for Jordan and his family that his dad would recover quickly and that the family would pull together and that Justin would be given the right words to say and the strength to be to Jordan what he needs to be. also that Jordan's dad would be doing well enough soon that Jordan and Justin can quickly come back to the school and keep learning and growing. so yeah, NOW i'm going to bed!